the crypto bros are extremely bad this month, and not at all in a romantic sense. First, the market bottomed out, crashing to an all-time high, and all those digital dollars they claimed to be hoarding in their digital treasure chests like cackling Mr. Krabs disappeared into thin air. Now this devastating news: it turns out that the assholes who wanted to sweep women based on their net worth and possessions failed to attract any women, instead producing a meat brigade of aporophobes.
The Lonely Ape Dating Club, a dating app that has been announcement in March of this year and was created exclusively for owners of NFT Bored Ape Yacht Club (BAYC), turned out to be a little lonelier than expected and has been “put on hold indefinitely” due to a “very unequal ratio of men and women who signed up to our waitlist.” For this I say: No fucking shit, you idiots.
The app was created by a “self-proclaimed motley crew of hackers and NFT collectors interested in how we can bring crypto and Web3 to the dating space,” or, in other words, a group of crypto depeople who got rich faster than their pubes grew and thought they’d been slapped on the body by a stroke of genius when they theorized, “Yoooo, we only date fucking female dogs.. .with NFTs!!!”
Sure, BAYC is not just any NFT: While originally value 0.8ETH ($192), before the market correction, the artwork was worth more than 100 ETH, or about $290,000. Some of the pieces have sold for over a million dollars, while others have been bought by Eminem, Kevin Hart and Seth Green. So when the app says it’s for NFT BAYC owners only, keep in mind that it’s also born from a community thatafter the accident, thought it was funny to pretend that they would all be strength to get jobs at McDonalds to pay the bills. Just say it: you hate poor people!!
Mentioned the aversion to the poor – you know, the same people who have been excluded from American financial systems and elite branches for centuries that crypto claims to embrace – is basically the point of this all meet application. You can get “potential matches’ attention” by sending them crypto tips! You can show how long you have “delivered diamonds” (or kept your NFTs) boasting of the value they have accumulated! You can even mark your profile with a nice little badge: the 7 Figure Club!!! I’ve never been more turned on than by a supposedly rich guy who refuses to show his face and thinks my affection can be bought with a tip.
For the darling morons of the Lonely Ape Dating Club, I would first like to offer a reimagining of the definition of “NFT” to more accurately reflect the collective attitude of women and non-binary people towards bill-throwing crypto bros: Not Fucking Talking to you! Also, I’d like to suggest you take your little sausage celebrate Twitter and date instead, because I promise you that no one is ever will love you as much as you love yourself and your monkey photos. You should be open-minded enough to start investigating that sexuality is a spectrum, that not all men in crypto identify as “straight”, and that just because crypto villains don’t want to mingle with zaddies doesn’t mean you have to close your app. Make it gay!!!
Even if the founders don’t care about us and the app closes for a totally different reason, the message sticks. Women do not feel safe in crypto, where they are often punched and repeatedly harassed both online in Discords and in person at conferences, and where their gender is the first and only interesting thing about them in the eyes of far too many assholes. Goodbye and good riddance to the dating app for small shits allowed.